sprinkles of sun

Here it goes again…… I have returned.

After what seems like a whole year, here I am, a completely new me. So much has happened for the past year and it has been one hell of a ride. There was school, work, friends, boyfriend, new hobbies, adventures. There are so many memories that i wish to pen down but don’t know where to start.

But i refuse to do the whole ‘lemme give you everything in a nutshell’ entry.

The most important thing for you to know right now, is that I am in a transition phase. I am still, after 28 years of life on this planet, trying to find my way round this concrete jungle. I am still trying to put both my mind and heart on the same plate, although they fight over the space all the time.

I admit, I am struggling. But too stubborn  to admit to others that I am.

Don’t tell me that it’s wrong, it’s just that I feel at this age i should be able to know or have an idea of the life I want for myself. And I don’t want any pity stares or incredulous looks should i open my heart to anyone.

Well, I leave this as my first entry. I might wake up to delete this so if you read it then you’re one of the lucky ones.

Sab

I’m questioning myself. Yes, again.

Am i doing the right thing in my life, to succeed?

I ask myself over and over again but i don’t know the answer.

All, i know is, i’m willing to try.

I just want to be a better person.

Sab

i haven’t blogged for ages. It has crossed my mind time and again to blog but i just felt too lazy to do it. I guess whatever i had in mind to blog wasn’t compelling enough to share.

Well, here’s a treat for you guys then. My life for the past six months, in a nutshell.

- Busy at work. What’s new. I am now a form teacher and have 10 kids under my wing. It has been a very testing experience. Yes, i am eager to show that i can handle stuff at work but i have also lost my temper many times and almost gone a but wonky. Some of my friends have even mentioned how i rarely smile at work anymore. That’s bad right? Well, sometimes we just got to grit our teeth and pull through those testing moments. Just do what i can, smile through the day and be nice to everyone. Oh, and try not to step on anyone’s toes, child, parent and teacher included.

- My personal life has been great this past 6 months. I am proud to say how blessed i am to have a wonderful man care for me and hold my heart as dearly as i am willing to hold his. My life will change from July 12 onward when he moves to Malaysia. Don’t worry Sab. Everything will work out fine. I mean, what’s another 3 years to your 4 year realtionship right?

- Yati moved to Riyadh. This was a really difficult time or my family. To let their 36 year old daughter move out of the house to Riyadh for a job opportunity! I say HOORAY, finally one of us has got the guts to flee from the nest and embark on the road less taken. I envy her. It does not help that her being a registered nurse makes her qualify for any medical job around the world. And lucky for her, it’s all expenses paid and they will even foot her tickets back home, her tickets for Umrah and Haji and she stays in the freaking apartments above the medical facility! What more can you ask? Perhaps a working internet connextion could be it. I miss her loads and haven’t Skyped her at all since she moved.

- My favourite uncle passed away last month and i regret not being able to see him more. He was a very smiley man. Smart, funny, brave and just someone who has helped my family so much. Love you, my arwah Pak Long.

- I picked up a new sport. I’m into weights now and have adopted the kettlebell sport. Yes i fling a pink cannonball looking thing over my head and around my body and it makes me perpire after 3 minutes. But it works my body real fine! Lost 6 kg, doesn’t show much cos of muscle mass but i have less back pain and better anger management now. HAHAHAHAH.

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I can’t think of anything else at this moment. The weather is too cold and i am hungry. Will update more another time. See ya folks!

Sabby

This essay was penned by a 15 year old girl from Singapore. She submitted it as an entry for the Commonwealth Essay Competition last year. I had a copy of it lying around in my computer for a while, and had forgotten about it.

And then it popped up earlier today while i was doing some PC springcleaning.

If you haven’t read it already, here it is.

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What the Modern Woman Wants… By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it
careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap,
afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with
trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch
the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned
her not to dirty it, ‘Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.’

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver
mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand.
‘Finance’, ‘Liquidation’, ‘Assets’, ‘Investments’… Her voice was crisp and
important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it.

Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television.
She was speaking in an American accent.
The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval…… ‘I absolutely
cannot have this. We have to sell!’ Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as
she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping
onto the steering wheel in irritation.

‘I can’t DEAL with this anymore!’ she yelled as she clicked the
phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat.. The mobile phone hit
the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She
calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter..

‘Sorry, Ma,’ she said, losing the American pretence and switching
to Mandarin. ‘I have a big client in America . There have been a lot of
problems.’

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and
important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering
what she was thinking. Her mother’s wrinkled countenance always carried the
same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful
digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

‘Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.’ Elaine. The old woman
cringed. I didn’t name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling
her, how an English name was very important for ‘networking’, Chinese ones
being easily forgotten.

‘Oh no, I can’t see you for lunch today. I have to take the
ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.’
Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was
referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother’s silence
meant she did not comprehend.

‘Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!’ The
old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in
defence.

The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked
almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple’s roof. The old
woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall.
Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and
stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother’s
side.

‘Ma, I’ll wait outside.. I have an important phone call to make,’
she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.
The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she
knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods.
Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these
years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a
young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a
swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her
love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man.
Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she
says… She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except
happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her
roots while reaping the harvest of success.

What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She
gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me
only because I affect her happiness.. A young woman does not want to be
hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes.
Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss
stick into an urn of smoldering ashes.

She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her
daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she
came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.
Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb,
bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a
girl. Her husband had ticked and punched her for producing a useless baby
who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied
to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have
everything she ever wanted.

Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never
have to depend on a man. She prayed every day that her daughter would be a
great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A
woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman
who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to
speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen. She will not be
like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away
from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood.

She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl to one who
openly defied her, calling her laotu, old fashioned…. She wanted her
mother to be ‘modern’, a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.
Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered
why she had prayed like that. The Gods had been faithful to her persistent
prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the
girl’s roots and now she stood faceless with no identity, bound to the soil of
her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother’s value. Her wants were so
ephemeral, that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion
boutiques and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.
The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less.
When her daughter left the earth, everything she had would count for
nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman
but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt
paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes
and prayers for her daughter now that she had looked out of the temple gates.
She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and
worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one
way to go from there – down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a
packet of beehoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for
worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and
expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own
gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she enslaved to and
worshipped every day of her life.

Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped
counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly
suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty souless shell at the altar.
The old woman watched the joss stick. The dull heat had left a
teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady signed in resignation, as she
bowed to the east bone final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays
want so much that they lose their souls and wonder whey they cannot find it.
Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her
daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched
on her daughter’s face.

An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of
her wants looking for the one thing that would sown the seeds of happiness.
They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove
along the highway, this time not to fast as she had done before.
‘Ma,’ Bee Choo finally said. “I don’t know how to put this.
Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big
house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer
willing to pay us seven million for it. We decided we’d prefer a cosier
penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road .. Once
we move into our apartment, we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have
more space to ourselves…..”

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. “We’d
get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out – but once the
maid is gone, there won’t be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully
lonely at home and, besides that the apartment is rather small. There won’t
be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing
for you is if you moved to a Home. There’s one near Hougang – it’s a
Christian home and a very nice one.”

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. I”ve been there, the
matron is willing to take you in. It’s beautiful with gardens and lots of
old people to keep you company! Hardly have time for you, you’d be happier
there.” “You’d be happier there, really.” her daughter repeated as if to
affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offering to
cling tightly to, she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would
protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into
the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag and her fingers trace the white
seat.

Ma, her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her
mother. “Is everything okay?

What had to be done, had to be done. “Yes” she said firmly,
louder than she intended, ‘if it will make you happy,’ she added more
quietly.

‘It’s for you, Ma! You will be happier there. You can move
there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.’ Elaine said
triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.
‘I knew everything would be fine.’ Elaine smiled widely; she felt
liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier… She
had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of
happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever
wanted; money, status, career, love, power and now freedom without her mother
and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down……

Yes she was free. Her phone butted urgently, she picked it up and
read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. “Stock 10% increase.”
Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her and while
searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen,
the old woman in the backseat became invisible and she did not see her in
tears.

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Sabby

No boundaries on The Blind Side.

Once every few years, there comes a movie that goes beyond all expectations. Avatar was the first to conquer the Christmas of 2009, and Invictus was next to follow in January. These movies, though worth a watch a second time can’t be placed next to the movie i had seen earlier this evening.

The Blind Side. A true story about Micheal Ohers, a teenager from a broken family and how he picked himself from nothing to being Something… This movie deserves special mention because it touches on simple things like family, love, courage and belief. Sometimes we think we know what these four things mean, but The Blind Side is able to show the stark reality of how these four things come together.

And yes, it is a heart-wrenching movie, a tearjerker. My eyes were brimmed with tears coutnless times.

I feel like watching it again.

sabby

My heart goes out to those who are suffering in the Haitian earthquake aftermath. This must be one of the darkest days for them. Last reports have stated a death toll of almost 50,000, with another 3 million injured or stuck in rubble. It is a devastating blow for this country indeed.

I read how the food, water and medical supplies are stuck at the airport due to difficult transport situations. It is sad, yet something that cannot be helped as much. All aid is pouring in, money, water, food, whatever, it’s all coming in but it will take a while to reach those in need. I heard someone in the MRT mention today, ” They’ve a poor country and i think can last a few more days without food. They are used to having no food anyway!”. I felt sad. So sad to hear a fellow Singaporean mention these words of complete ignorance.

Haiti may be one of the poorest countries in the world but let’s not put that in the equation. When people are physically hurt and emotionally affected in this devastation, we have to help them IMMEDIATELY. Singapore is lucky not to have to face these situations and i if we ever do, would it do any better to have an ignorant attitude like what i had witnessed? If we had heard someone say ” Singapore is such a rich country with so much money, they don’t need us!”, it wouldn’t have bloody helped!!! Especially after a earthquake of such magnitude.

“I hope the angels are coming.”

This was one of the tweets i read off a Haitian’s site. The simplest six words so sad, yet full of hope for the better. These words though made me think really hard. Were they a sign of resolution to fate and death, an end to the all the pain that this person is going through? Or were they uttered with full belief that help was coming?

I’m trying to think positive.

I really hope that the angels are coming.

Sabby

go get reaDy!

  The first day of school begins Tuesday yet the first day of work begins tomorrow. It’s the day i see my kids again, see how tall they’ve grown, find out what they’ve been busy with. I have so much to catch up on, so many things to find out.

Here’s to a good start this new year.

More updates tomorrow and perhaps pictures of my class.

sabby

Last year in 2009, i fell really sick a couple of times. It was terrrible to have to visit the doctor every week asking for stronger antibiotics. I’m like a machine now, i can only function with the best ‘batteries’ – antibiotics that are ten bucks a pop.

Anyway each time i went to the doc, he would tell me, ” Don’t stress yourself too much unnecessarily.” and that ” make sure you get good deep sleep, not the worried sleep.”

I guess he was trying to tell me to take a chill pill and not sweat the small stuff.

And then i found this.

four important words.

 I’ve been following this site ever since. I do not know the person who started it, but i embrace his words and creativity with open arms. It’s very inspiring, and just lifts the spirits. Simplicity rules in this world of ours, cos sometimes we all( well at least i do) think too much.

I’m glad for this person and this site, cos there were days when it was all downhill and his simple post-it note made me breathe again.

I hope somehow it does the same to you too.

Sabby

It’s 9.12 pm in Singapore and the last few hours before we hit another decade.

To 2009, I’m glad it is coming to an end. Although yes, time passes too fast these days and i can barely recollect what i’ve been doing all these passing months. If my memory serves me right, it was challenging from the beginning. Work and study came in between me and my sanity but i’m glad it’s all almost done. Friendship and love reigned and pulled me back together again. This year alone, i made friends and met people who really mattered, and my other half supported me by making me laugh and spending time with me. Love reigned. My family and I, we got on better than before. It has been an awesome year for me personally, although there were breaking points. There were times i felt like throwing in the towel. All i can say is, thank you to God for making me strong enough to face this year.

And to 2010.

Dear God, please give me faith. Give me faith to go through another challenging year. Give me enough strength to start off the few months with minimal disruptions. i hope i have enough love to keep my friendships alive, and to rekindle the lost ones. I hope as well to let go freely of past nightmares that have haunted me. I have many things to look forward to this year, a new professional development, a major change in my 3 year relationship and as much as i believe that things will work out in all the areas in my life, i do hope to keep my sanity.

2010. Please be a good year.

Sometimes we need to look on the lighter side of things.

2010

Please make me smile.

Sabby

I feel sad that Singaporeans have to bring up the race issue again cos our new Idol is Malay.

If race matters that much, am i right to say that the Malays voted for Sezairi and the Filipinas voted for Sylvia? Yes, the majority races voted for our so called Idol contestants? If we turn the tables around and if Sylvia would have won, the whole story would be, First Female Idol and god knows what the racial backlash would have been.

I’m guessing for Sylvia, it would go as far as ” Filipinas ruling Sg” or “Phew, I am actually watching Channel 5 and not Suria!” remarks.  The second remark was already published on Twitter though.

And if race mattered that much, who would the Chinese be voting for and the Indians? And the Eurasians? And the vast expat community? 

Such racial backlash and not a mention about talent – except for Ms Teaching Assistant (as quoted in New Paper, like duh of course they had to quote the civil servant saying that ) does not do justice for all the hard work the Idols have put in. I am sure that Sezairi had to forgo his school stuff and night gigs to concentrate on the competition, and Sylvia, god knows how tired she muct have been juggling her work in the Hospitality line and constant comparison to that other girl contestant Tabby.

You know what the worse thing is? These two singers now have to show the world how good they are, cos only then will ‘our people’ be proud to have put ‘ Singapore on a map’.

Till then, let’s look at other important issues that Singapore is facing.

You know, things like dirty toilets, pee on the staircase landings and being jabbed in your ribcage while boarding the bus.

I am sure we don’t need to bring up any racial remarks on this one.

Sabby